Extreme Outdoors Paintball

God, I love paintballing. Would you like to know what my favourite part of this truly thrilling activity is? The bruises. Nothing makes me feel like more of a man than comparing a massive bruise with the ones my mates have sustained at the hands of my paintball gun.

The girls absolutely love it. Nothing can bring the girls flocking towards you quite like a giant yellow bruise on your distended beer gut. Unless, of course, you’re lucky enough to get a point-blank shot to the face. Then you’ll be knee-deep in women for at least until the swelling goes down.

I have my next paintballing trip booked already. Book yours!

It’s not hard to see why paintballing has become such a popular activity for blokes on a stag do. Put very crudely, it gives them a chance to exercise a few animal instincts without finding themselves rapidly jilted by their betrothed.

After all, the husband-to-be can’t very well exercise any of his other instincts on the night and expect to get away with it. Nope, he’ll have to get his jollies from showering his mates with balls of coloured paint instead.

Fully grown men playing army in a little forest… It’s such a life-affirming image to conjure up isn’t it?

One of my favourite summertime activities is a pretty obvious one: chilling out on the beach. However, it always comes with a few special conditions for me.

First of all, I’d like to limit the other people on the beach to a couple of good mates and several attractive young women, none of whom are too much of the Jack Wills persuasion.

Secondly, the presence of children has to strictly forbidden. I don’t want to lie down in the sand only to rise with a half eaten lolly stuck to my cheek. Neither does the idea of wee-ridden waves festering in the summer sun appeal all that much.

In fact, the beach is at its best at night, when the girls come down with their sunkissed tresses and the rum starts to flow and the barbecues are blazing. Now that’s a summertime activity I don’t getting involved in.

Well, the calendar might not reckon it’s summer just yet, but we all know that this could be as good as it gets, so it’s time to fight with every other Brit to make sure you get some summer activities under your belt.

Come July there’ll be floods, so you’ve got hurry up and get yourself straight out onto the paintball course, followed by a trip to Alton Towers, rapidly followed by several trips to the beach, not forgetting to stop for a few cremated sausages every night off your charcoal-encrusted barbecue.

In fact, I might pour myself a Pimm’s right now. I haven’t got any cucumber though. Do you reckon a gherkin would do the trick?

Everybody remembers that classic episode of Biker Grove that featured a beleaguered PJ floundering around the paintball course uttering the words that would be immortalised in every young viewer’s mind, ‘Duncan, I’m blind! Duncan, I’m blind!’

Well, it wasn’t just entertainment. Any paintball attendant will tell you when you get to the course that if you don’t want to end up like PJ (presumably having hits like ‘Let’s Get Ready to Rumble’ forever associated with your name), then you must never, ever, ever take your goggles off when you’re on the course. You never know when some paintball-wielding maniac is going to unload a cartridge into your face, so keep those eyes covered.